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ron · (This post was last modified: 05-09-2010 02:00 AM by ron.)

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello." said the little boy

"Hi." replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home." answered the little girl.

"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road." replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill." replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive." said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet." replied the little boy.

"I'll tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea" replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!"

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar.

He sees a lamp at the end of the table.

He walks down to it and rubs it.

Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.”

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.

The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.

The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The Irish man says, “I want two more of these.” Smile

Cricketer takes a bad fall and dislocates his shoulder. Taken to hospital, there's a fair bit of noise as nurse tries to relocate it.

"Come on, now. There's a woman down the hall has just given birth to a nine pound baby, and she didn't make half the fuss you are."

"That's as may be, but you try putting it back and see how loud she gets!" Smile

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath”.

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs.” Smile

ron · (This post was last modified: 05-09-2010 05:38 AM by ron.)

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes." Smile

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!":)